humans of leap - capt. shalini singh
captain shalini singh is an ex-army officer, a doting mother, a marathon runner, a former mrs. india, a leap.club member and this is her story.
“i grew up in a rajput family during the late 70s with a stable and comfortable environment in kanpur. at the age of 19, an unexpected marriage proposal sparked initial resistance within me. but upon meeting major avinash singh bhadauria, all my reservations melted away. growing up surrounded by homemakers in my family instilled in me the belief that post-marriage, my role would naturally transition to that of a homemaker. and so, after our wedding, i joined my husband at his army base in jamnagar, gujarat. two blissful years into our marriage, we welcomed our son, dhruv. life seemed idyllic…until the day my husband informed me of his posting in kashmir in 2001. as he left, communication became increasingly scarce.
one day i came home to find a deafening silence around. there was an unspoken tension lingering in the air, and i couldn't shake off the feeling that something was terribly wrong. after frantically questioning everyone, they finally told me — my husband was injured and was being brought back for treatment from udhampur to lucknow.
as i sat there trying to process this, something still didn't feel quite right. little did i know, my world was about to come crashing down on me. on my way to see him with the family, minutes away from the airport, they told me the devastating truth – he was gone, martyred while taking down four terrorists in kashmir.
before i could come to terms with this i was standing in front of a coffin. and it slowly dawned on me that it was no one else but my husband inside it, draped in the colours of our nation's flag. for someone who was, until then, on her way to see an injured husband to then realising he was gone, it was baffling, confusing, earth-shattering. i didn’t get any chance to process what was happening. it felt like someone had punched me hard in my chest and i was barely breathing.
the weight of his absence bore down on me like a heavy burden. i felt lost, drowning in sorrow. i had been so dependent on him, relying on him as my rock. what made it so much worse was the constant questioning from others – "what will you do now?" "who will take care of you and your son?" “the ‘man’ of the house is gone.” my son was just two. in addition to the grief, this pressure was suffocating.
i'll never forget the moment when a few elderly women suggested something unthinkable – ‘sati’. they suggested that my life was now over because my husband was no more. it was heartbreaking that i seriously considered their words, thinking perhaps it was the only way forward. i felt like i didn’t want to live, i wanted to give up my life. the absolute worst part is that along with my own, i even thought of giving up my child’s life. i thought since his father is gone, and i will now go, who will take care of him?
when darkness threatened to engulf my life, my father took us under his wing. and while that was beautiful, i realised something: that all my life i had continuously been dependent on a man to take care of me. it took me sometime to fully comprehend that i could exist and thrive without relying on a man. and when i finally understood it, there was no looking back.
one day some of my husband’s coursemates suggested that i join the army to carry on his legacy. they told me that the army permits army-widows to appear for the ssb exam and technically, i was eligible too. it was not just a salute to his memory, but a chance to carve my own path. deep down, i knew i had to do this.
within two and a half months, i filled out the form and began preparing. it was a challenging time, but in less than three months after my husband's demise, i stood before the ssb board in allahabad. the five-day exam was demanding, and it required significant sacrifices, especially taking a toll on personal time with my son. however, with my parents' support, i cleared the exam. within six months, i was at the academy to begin training.
when your body and mind go through various experiences one after the other the transition from one shock to another becomes difficult. i couldn’t be with my child for six months, and my mother only managed to send a picture once every few weeks. i missed his first day at school, the school functions, crucial growth years, and trust me, a mom's guilt is too real, especially when you are preparing for something as testing as the indian army. i don't recall a single evening when i didn't break down, either looking at my husband's picture or thinking about my son. i contemplated quitting multiple times, but i told myself "no, if i go back now, i will go back as an officer in a uniform."
fast forward to 7th september 2002, i went from being "mrs. bhadauria" to "lt. shalini singh" — not a widow, not a wife, and not a woman tied to a man.
from not knowing what a joint account was to managing all the finances, from being completely unaware and a lost 22-year-old to a strong-headed woman, i served the army for five years across rajasthan, jhansi, and delhi. looking back, it was the best decision of my life. whatever i am today is because of what i was taught in the indian army. i learned things i never imagined i would: not just in terms of physical training but also mindset development, teamwork, decision-making, fast thinking, and most importantly, the courage to lead my life. my identity wasn’t that of a man or woman, just an officer serving their duty.
i felt like i was ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. and so, after leaving the army, i remarried. sadly, that decision didn't go well and i became a victim of domestic violence. in 2009 i met with a terrible car accident, sustaining 18 fractures and requiring multiple surgeries. but wait, it got worse - i lost my father to cancer right after, and i felt like i was back at my lowest point.
the grief of losing my dad, domestic violence, and the long recovery collectively screamed at me: give up! but i had come too far in life to give up now. yes, finding the courage to leave was difficult but i walked out of that marriage. and while that was a brave step, it came with consequences. i was diagnosed with clinical depression, grappling with feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt. i started running as a coping mechanism.
today, life feels good. i was crowned mrs. india in 2017, i’ve run more than ten marathons after a life threatening accident, and am currently pursuing a law degree. i also solo travel and work for charities supporting war widows and cancer patients.
in all of this, i have realised that when you stop relying on others for validation, when you take control of your own destiny and trust your gut, you finally become who you were always meant to be. as people, as women, the constant need for external validation has made us all fragile. so i say, women, be who you are, the world needs to come around to you being you and not the other way round. get up every morning and show up - for yourself.”
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